


Whirlpool

by serapheim



Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Car Accidents, Coping, Death, Deathfic, Drinking, Drugs, Friendship/Love, Funeral, Gen, Heartbreak, Losing your soulmate, Love Confessions, M/M, Sex, Smoking, Soulmates, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-15 16:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/851671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serapheim/pseuds/serapheim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say we know not what is good until we have lost it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whirlpool

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: trigger death.  
> This piece was hunting me since last week. I admit that I hate death fics and never write them. But this muse was really persuading.  
> Devoted to all members of jaechun_ywh, because I can and because I love this amazing fandom. :)

They say we know not what is good until we have lost it. He used to say, that you can’t tell the value of the world until you try everything. And he did. He tried everything. He lived at the fullest – every day a new dream, every night a new place. A new drink, a new dug, a new lover. He tried it all. It seemed as if he wanted to embrace the whole world in just one ordinary human life. As if he knew he wouldn’t have much time.  
  
  
It was addictive. Jaejoong felt that he was drawn into this whirlpool of passions more and more. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep up this impossible pace. He couldn’t drink all the alcohol in the world, or try all the drugs, or sleep with all population of the earth. He also knew that Yoochun couldn’t either. But it seemed as if he was very keen to prove everybody wrong.  
  
  
Jaejoong felt faint, tormented inside, when he watched his best friend change lovers as if it meant nothing to him and come home high on whatever substance that was on the market that day. He wanted to be ready, to be there when Yoochun would finally come to his senses and stop. Just bloody stop. But Yoochun wasn’t stopping.   
  
  
Until that day.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Through his dream Jaejoong felt somebody’s fingers ghost over his arm up then slowly down. Then those fingers moved to his shoulder, brushed his hair, lingered over his cheekbone and moved down to peel away the blanket. Protesting against the cold, Jaejoong muttered something in his sleep, trying to find his blanket. When suddenly a warm body was pressing to him, which felt too real to be a dream. Jaejoong sighed and opened his eyes, blinking in the darkness.   
  
  
Over him was Yoochun – he wouldn’t mistake this body or these bold hands with anybody else.  
  
  
“What time is it?” he murmured.  
  
  
Yoochun’s hands moved under his t-shirt, over his skin, leaving goose bumps in their way. His breath smelled sweet and sour at the same time.   
  
“Are you drunk?” It was a stupid question since he already knew the answer, but Jaejoong felt that he just had to say something. Anything.   
  
Instead of answering, the full lips covered his, stealing all sorts of arguments he could use. Yoochun’s hand moved into Jaejoong’s briefs to play with the stiffening flesh inside.  
  
  
The kiss left Jaejoong breathless and for a countless time in his life he tried to understand what was that he found so compelling about Yoochun.   
  
  
“You just won’t take no for an answer, will you?”  
  
  
Yoochun just chuckled and moved even closer.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
The news about the car accident came to Jaejoong from several sources at the same time. All of his three cell phones were ringing – Changmin, Yunho and their manager – he didn’t even know which one to pick. Eventually he picked the one showing Changmin’s number.  
  
  
“Yes?” The premonition of something dreadful was already settling down in his stomach, making his head spin and his heart beat like crazy.  
  
  
“Joongie…” Changmin sounded as if it physically hurt to speak. “We’ve lost Yoochun.”  
  
  
After those words the world around Jaejoong went deaf.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
People were moving around him. Some crying, some speaking in hushed voices, others offering condolences. Jaejoong couldn’t say if he was replying to any of those people, if he was being polite or rude. He couldn’t tell if he was speaking at all.  
  
  
During the ceremony everybody was crying – the staff, the fans, the family members. With some distant surprise, he watched Yoochun’s family huddle together, overcome with grief. He felt something akin to jealousy when the majority of people came to them offering kind words and sympathy. It wasn’t fair, he thought, that after Yoochun’s death his family would be there when they weren’t when Yoochun had really needed them.  
  
  
Four of them – what left of TVXQ – sang a tribute to Yoochun. A song of love and friendship and goodbyes – something which was expected from them but it sounded totally fake to Jaejoong’s ears. Junsu couldn’t stop crying through the whole song, Yunho soon followed his lead, gulping and sniffing, and even stoic Changmin broke down at the end of the song.  
  
  
Jaejoong was the only one who sang the song till its very end without shedding a single tear, his clear voice soaring up over the mourning crowd.  
  
  
He knew that people around him most probably thought of him as a heartless bastard. But he didn’t care. He just couldn’t cry.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
He came to Yunho late at night, without warning or a phone call, holding a bottle of tequila in his hand. Half asleep, Yunho blinked several times, watching Jaejoong’s face and finally said, “Come in.”  
  
  
They sat in the living room. Jaejoong put the bottle on the table, Yunho brought two glasses. After Yoochun’s death they all were withdrawn, stopping all concerts and public appearances for the time being to honour their friend’s memory. And to wait for their management to warp their heads over the fact that none of them would be continuing as TVXQ. The decision was mutual, although none of them had actually discussed it. They all simply decided to stop.  
  
  
Jaejoong was silent; he looked withdrawn. He didn't speak for some time, but Yunho didn’t expect him to. It was Jaejoong. Not Junsu, who kept babbling and crying at the same time, when talking about Yoochun, or Changmin, who avoided the topic altogether. It was Jaejoong, who looked almost normal as if nothing had happened. His eyes were red but dry.  
  
  
Mostly they sat in silence. Drinking. Occasionally Jaejoong would say something, just a random thing or a phrase Yoochun used to say. Yunho would nod and keep drinking.  
  
  
“I understand that you have lost your best friend. Your soulmate even,” he said finally, feeling that he should add something to try and ease Jaejoong’s grief.  
  
  
Jaejoong let out a sudden bitter laugh, “You have no idea what he meant to me!” His voice cracked painfully. “He wasn't just a best friend. He was everything. The whole world.”  
  
  
“I understand, we all loved him dearly. You know it.” Even the thought that Yunho would never see Yoochun again hurt him deep. They all felt the same. He could understand Jaejoong.  
  
  
Jaejoong laughed again, “No, you won't understand.”   
  
The smile which played on his lips at that moment really scared Yunho. It was the smile of a man who knew no limits, who recognized no boundaries. It was the smile of a man who was preparing to take the final jump into the abyss.  
  
  
“I loved him,” he said.   
  
  
//  
  
 _Written: August 9, 2009_  
 _Revised: June 21, 2013_


End file.
